He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
