anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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