so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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