We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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