Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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