my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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