i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
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Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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