What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
