I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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