oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
