ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
