I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
so much tequila, so little girl.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
