Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Can I color on your dick again?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
