you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
