and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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