please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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