I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
