I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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