so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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