Sponge bath it is.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
