I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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