naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
