Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
