i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
