Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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