keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
