I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
