So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
