ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So much rum. So many feels.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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