Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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