Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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