I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
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You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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