im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
