I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
