see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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