if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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