She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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