Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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