my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
