How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
