my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
