i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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