She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
