I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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