It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
