I wish I could punch you in the face.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
