So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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