i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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