u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
