oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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