My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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