So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
