I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
