All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
