I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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