I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
