my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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