The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
