i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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