May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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