I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
